


Cabbages

by Zinga763



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, The Team - Freeform, incessant bickering, rated c for cabbage destruction, tiny hints of fluff?, will add more tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-06-06 09:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6747769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinga763/pseuds/Zinga763
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone loves the Jedi. They are war heroes, keepers of peace, saviors. </p><p>Except to one angry cabbage merchant that is.</p><p>Based off of the cabbage merchant from ATLA, our cabbage man has several unfortunate run-ins with our favorite Jedi, none of which end well for either the Jedi or, of course, his cabbages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bad Day to Sell Cabbages

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I wanted to make a Star Wars version of the cabbage man from Avatar (you don't need to have watched it to get the story!) I figured that if there were cabbages in the SW Universe, Anakin and Obi-Wan were bound to destroy them.

It was a good day to sell cabbages. 

The cabbage merchant happily strolled down the city’s streets, pushing his cart of cabbage as if it were a stroller for his children. Not that he had any children, presently. Or flesh and blood ones that is. His leafy treasures were more than enough to demand his attention for the moment. 

He parked his cart in the shade of a nearby stand and located the seller he needed to talk to about purchasing some fertilizer for his budding beauties back home. 

“Don’t get into any trouble now,” he sternly warned the cabbages, wagging his finger at the pile of leaves on his cart. The cabbages remained silent. The merchant smiled. They were good cabbages. 

Stepping away, he greeted the seller and began to haggle over the price of the fertilizer. 

“Hello there, Mirk, how are you?” said the cabbage merchant. 

Mirk grunted. “You here for your fertilizer?”

The cabbage merchant nodded. “You know which blend. Only the best for my cabbages, you know.”

Mirk grunted again. “Yeah, yeah, give me one sec while I grab your baby food. Just got a new shipment this morning.”

The cabbage merchant merely inclined his head and leaned against the stall, glancing over at his cabbages. He smiled. 

It was indeed a good day to sell cabbages. 

\--

“Master, why are we still here? I thought the negotiations were over.”

Obi-Wan Kenobi looked down at his impatient 11 year-old apprentice. “A job well-done is all the more reason to grab lunch is it not, my Padawan? Besides, our transport doesn’t depart for another two hours.”

Anakin wrinkled his nose and huffed. “Yeah, but all the food here is so… gross. And vegetably.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “This region’s cuisine is completely based on plant-life. I’m afraid we’ll have to respect their customs and forgo the meat and sweets for a moment.” He quirked an eyebrow. “You can finally make up for all the vegetables you’ve thrown away over the years when you thought I wasn’t looking.”

“How did you know-“

“Where do you think all of your ‘random’ extra meditation sets came from?”

“Master!”

Obi-Wan gave his apprentice a rare smile. “Although I suppose I should almost be grateful you don’t eat your vegetables.”

Anakin looked up at his master curiously. “How come?”

“Well, not eating your vegetables affects your growth doesn’t it? After years of quite literally standing in Master Qui-Gon’s shadow, I must say it’s rather nice to be the taller of the pair.” His eyes softened suddenly as they often did when he recalled his beloved master. Two years later and he still wished that he come ask the wise man advice on how to deal with his unruly padawan. Well. At least Anakin still kept the spark of reckless adventure in his life that Qui-Gon used to generate. 

Anakin watched as his master lapsed into the strange silence that often accompanied mentions of Qui-Gon. He knew how hard Obi-Wan tried to hide it, but it was clear to Anakin how much his mentor still missed the older man. Pulling on Obi-Wan’s sleeve he tried to shake the Jedi out of his thoughts.

“Well tough luck, Master. I’m gonna eat all my vegetables now and then you’ll be in my shadow!”

Obi-Wan chuckled. “In more ways than one I’m sure, my padawan.”

Anakin grinned and looked around, eager to make good on his new resolution. He spotted a cart overflowing with strange green, leafy vegetables that looked quite promising. “Look master! How about those?”

Anakin began to sprint to the cart, failing to notice the pack animal trotting down the market street with cart of fruit. 

“Anakin! Wait!” called Obi-Wan as he tumbled into his apprentice, tucking him against his body and rolling out of the way before the animal could trample the small boy. Rolling out, he set Anakin on the ground as he quickly scanned the boy for injuries. “Anakin, you could’ve been hurt, you must be more mindful-“

A sudden crash erupted beside them. The animal, startled by the quick action of the Jedi Knight, had reared on its back legs, its driver losing control of the beast. The animal thrashed around the street letting out scared groans and smashing its cargo and nearby carts. 

Grabbing Anakin, Obi-Wan crouched behind a stand and did his best to shield himself and the boy from the debris of the animal’s rampage. After a few minutes, the animal’s owner managed to soothe the beast, calming the animal enough to stop it from wreaking further havoc. 

Peeking out from beneath the stand, Obi-Wan took in the sight of the damage. Thankfully, the stands the animal had hit has sustained no irreparable damage, although all nearby surfaces, as well Obi-Wan’s robe were covered in leaves from-

“MY CABBAGES!”  
\--

The cabbage merchant was distraught. No, he was beyond distraught; he was inconsolable, unbelieving, and incredible of the morbid scene that lay before him. His cabbages, his precious cabbages, strewn over the market street as if they were nothing but common lettuce.

He had watched, in horror, as the small boy and his friend scared the rampaging monster, watching, as if in slow motion, the massacre of his treasures unfolded. When the carnage had finished, he ran to his cart, clutching the remains of the leaves in his hands. 

Obi-Wan walked over, and placed a hand on cabbage merchant’s shoulder. He frowned. The poor man looked like he was about to cry. “Excuse me sir-“

“You!” cried the cabbage merchant. “You did this to my babies!”

Obi-Wan blinked. “Your--?”

“How could you!” cried the merchant. He sniffed. “They were so young.”

Anakin walked up beside the merchant. “I’m really sorry sir. But I’m sure you can grow new ones.”

The cabbage merchant scowled at him. “Oh sure. Why don’t I just cut off your toes, I’m sure you can grow new ones!”

Anakin frowned and opened his mouth to protest when Obi-Wan silenced him with a disapproving look. “I apologize to you sir. We never meant to damage your… babies. If there is some way that we can compensate you-“

“No!” howled the cabbage merchant. “You can just leave!”

“Are you sure there’s nothing else we-“

“Nothing!”

Anakin looked at Obi-Wan, who shrugged slightly before placing a hand on his padawan’s shoulder and walking away. 

The cabbage merchant watched them go before turning back to his pile of ripped leaves and broken dreams.

He sniffed. This had not been a good day to sell cabbages.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a new generation inherits a cabbage-destroying legacy

Ahsoka rubbed her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time as she studied the holomap, completely unable to decipher which part of the planet the trio was now looking at. Yawning, she leaned back and decided to let her masters continue the circular argument that had persisted for the past hour. 

“Anakin, for the last time, there are no other landing options-“

“We can’t land in that sector, Master; over eighty percent of the workers here are farmers. What was the point of evacuating the sector if we’re going to destroy their fields- their livelihoods- and leave a literal pile of bantha poop for them to come back to?” Anakin huffed in frustration. “I grew up with farmers, Obi-Wan. Losing your stock is like losing your life.”

Obi-Wan pinched the bridge of his nose. “I do understand, Anakin. But you must see the bigger picture. The rest of the planet’s terrain is not suitable for the vehicles that we need to land. And it is vital that we do not let this planet fall into the hands of the Separatists. “ 

Anakin pouted. “I guess we’ll do it your way,” he sulked. 

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and glanced at Anakin. “Don’t be so childish, Anakin. It’s not my way; it is simply the reasonable way.”

“How come your way always just so happens to be the ‘reasonable way’ and my way is always the wrong way?” asked Anakin as searched for his comlink to advise the troops of the new plan.

Obi-Wan patted his former Padawan’s shoulder. “Your way is not always the wrong way,” he said gently. He paused. “The Reckless Way, perhaps, the Not-Completely-Thought-Out-Way certainly-“

“Oh ha ha, Master, what night are you performing at the comedy club?”

Ahsoka walked over and lightly punched Anakin on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, Master, you know we’ll do the next celebratory pub crawl your way,” she said, choosing to ignore the look on Obi-Wan’s face that was about ask a) when did Anakin take his underage padawan on the first pub crawl and b) why was he not invited. “If it makes you feel better, maybe I can take small squad planet side first to scout it a little better and to make sure the damage to the fields is as limited as possible. Someone should be down there now anyway to make sure the last of the inhabitants are being evacuated.”

Anakin considered the idea for a few moments before nodding slowly. “Yeah, okay, Snips that sounds good. Get Rex and couple of over troops down there and let me know how you think we should organize the landing.”

Ahsoka gave her Master a mock salute. “You can count on me, Skyguy.”  
\--  
“So what do you think, Rex?” asked Ahsoka. “Think we can make the landing without too much damage?”

Rex nodded as he glanced at the notes they had made. “Yes, sir. If we separate the equipment correctly I think we should be able to make this landing as painless as possible for the inhabitants without giving up any strategic advantage.”

Ahsoka grinned. “Sounds good. I’ll contact Master Skywalker and let him know the new layout.”

Ahsoka had just finished the call with Anakin when she heard shouts behind her. “Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!” Ahsoka whipped around and spotted a short man marching toward her. His clothes were green and drab. In one hand, he clutched a small trowel as if ready to take on the entire Separatist army himself. His other arm, however, cradled a perfectly preserved head of cabbage much in the same way that a mother would hold her newborn son. 

Rex looked at Ahsoka, wondering if he should perhaps prepare to defend his Commander against the rusty trowel, when Ahsoka raised her hands in a placating gesture. “Sir, you really need to head over the evacuation site with the other townspeople.”

The short man shook his head and pointed his trowel at Ahsoka. “No! I am here to protest against the invasion!”

Ahsoka nodded. “I understand your concerns about the Separatist invasion, sir, that’s why we’re evacuating.”

The cabbage merchant look confused. “Separatist invasion? What Separatist? No! I am talking about this invasion,” he said gesturing wildly to the nearby fields, “I am talking about your invasion of my cabbage fields!”

Ahsoka glanced at Rex. “Um, actually sir, the Jedi is here to rescue-“

The cabbage merchant leapt back as if he had been stung. “Jedi? Jedi? You- you’re back?”

“Um-“

“Murderers! Heathens! You killed you babies! I moved to this planet to get away from your kind! ”

Ahsoka blinked. “Sir? The Jedi don’t kill babies. I mean, we take some babies to the temple to be Jedi, but only with the parents’ permission, and we certainly don’t kill them-“

The cabbage merchant shook his sadly, and looked into the distance as he prepared to relive a traumatic memory. “My cabbages,” he whispered, “my treasures. They were destroyed by the Jedi many years ago. That’s why I don’t trust your kind. Destroyers of cabbage. Slayers of happiness!”

Ahsoka looked at Rex pleadingly, but it appeared that clone training, unfortunately, did not prepare its soldiers for cases involving distraught cabbage merchants. 

“Look sir,” said Ahsoka turning back to the shaking man, “I’m not sure what happened to your, um, babies in the past, but I assure you that we have come here today to ensure that your valuable cabbages are of the utmost importance to us. The Jedi have actually sent Captain Rex and I here to protect your-eh- treasures,” she finished, pleased with her handling of the situation. Obi-Wan would’ve been proud of her use of words. Anakin would’ve rolled his eyes and told her drag the man and his kriffing cabbages to safety. 

The cabbage merchant, at the very least, seemed ready to believe her. He looked at Ahsoka as if she were the cabbage savior he had looked for for so long. “Really?” he said. “You’re here to protect my cabbages?” 

Ahsoka nodded. “Of course. In fact I just told the generals to land in sector 52 instead of sector 47 so that we could preserve your fields.”

Rex’s face suddenly paled. “Uh sir, I think you may have confused the sectors. This is sector 52. You told the general to land here. In this field.”

“What? No Rex that can’t be right-“

Ahsoka’s retort was drowned out by the thundering of the engines as Obi-Wan and Anakin’s gunships approached the field, destroying the earth and anything that may have been growing beneath it.

Particularly cabbages.

Ahsoka could only watch as Anakin and Obi-Wan strolled out of the gunships and approached her and the cabbage merchant, who stood silently twitching as a grief he had not felt in ten years overtook him again.

“Hey Snips,” greeted Anakin before taking in the scene before. The overturned earth. The shaking man with graying hair. 

The torn leaves of cabbages that littered the scene.

“Oh no.” 

“MY CABBAGES!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor cabbage man. Thanks for reading! Also, for more Star Wars shenanagins check out my tumblr!  
> http://someone-hug-obiwan.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Obi-Wan and Anakin lose the most important battle of the Clone Wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this takes place near the end of the Clone Wars, which means we'll wrap it up here!

Anakin hated clandestine missions.

Look, give him a target to blow up, great. A battle to win? No problem. But sulking around, investigating, using “non-aggressive” negotiations was the worst. The past two weeks he’d spent with Obi-Wan trying to uncover a Separatist spy hiding out on Bonadan had been nearly as trying as the entire war itself. Especially because Obi-Wan kept telling him that he was being “melodramatic” each time he pointed it out.

Anakin scoffed. As if he was capable of being such a thing.

Not that The Team hadn’t been successful up to this point. They’d caught the spy eventually and had managed to confiscate the information she’d been holding. The trouble had come from that fact that despite Obi-Wan’s claims that he was _far_ more subtle than Anakin, the two of them had never quite gotten through a mission without some disastrous clatter accompanying their entry, exit, or any such movement in between.

So here they were now, scrambling (ehm sauntering, as Obi-Wan put it) through the alleyways of Bonadan as they tried to evade the small army of assassin droids headed their way.

“Well Master,” panted Anakin, “At least we’re getting our exercise in for the day.”

“Yes,” said Obi-Wan dryly, “Because I was so worried that it was your stomach and not your skull that was getting thicker.” He quickly darted down an alleyway. “However could the Republic’s poster boy appear with such a figure? Morale would be lost.”

Anakin found the energy to playfully swat his master as they sped down another alleyway. “I was really thinking about you, Master. I thought the creaking I heard earlier was from R2, not your joints.” He shot Obi-Wan a grin. “Pretty soon I’ll be giving you a tune -up along with the droids.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes as he made for the roof of one the taller buildings. “Force forbid. A tune-up with you sounds worse than a visit to the Healers.”

Anakin covered his heart with his hand in shock before moving to follow Obi-Wan up the building. Grabbing a brick he said, “Master, I’m offended. A Healer? Next thing you know you’ll be calling me an Archivist.”

Obi-Wan snorted. “If only. Maybe then you’d actually read the mission briefings.”

The rest of the ascent was made in silence as each Jedi attempted to find an open window. When Obi-Wan finally located one, the two crawled into the darkened building. Creeping into the hallway, Anakin lit his lightsaber. “Where do you think we are?” he said looking at the green walls.

“I’m not sure,” said Obi-Wan, “It appears to be some sort of office building. It seems relatively new. Some of these offices look like they’re still under construction. Anakin, see if you can’t find a way to tap into the security system. It would be a shame to finally enter a building quietly only to set off the alarm.” He looked next to him. “Anakin? Anakin?”

He whirled around to find his former apprentice examining something on the wall. Annoyed, he tapped Anakin on the shoulder. “Am I interrupting something?”

Beckoning the older man forward, Anakin gestured at the portrait that was hanging on the wall in front of him. “Master, look at this. Doesn’t this guy look familiar to you?”

Squinting his eyes, Obi-Wan examined the painting more closely. “Hmm. Interesting. I do think you’re right.” Bending down he read the inscription on the frame. “Caleb Merrill Chant. Founder and CEO of the Cabbage Corporation. “He paused. “Oh dear. You don’t think-“

“Oh Force, Obi-Wan, it’s just not possible.” Anakin inspected the plaque more closely and groaned. “Master look. They wrote the company motto underneath the portrait.

“ _Though the Jedi took and tore, our CABBAGES will forever endure_ ” read Obi-Wan. “Well. It seems we made quite the impression.”

Anakin huffed. “Ya think?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “Well, that’s all the more reason to disable the alarms before-“ A blaring sound rang through the building, “-that happens.”

“Yup, time to go,” said Anakin. The two Jedi took off down the hallway, only to come face to face with six of the assassin droids that had been pursuing them. Standing back to back, Anakin and Obi-Wan prepared for the battle. “What do you think?” asked Anakin “Three for you, three for me?”

“And here I thought you had slept through your advanced mathematics courses,” observed Obi-Wan before leaping into action.

The battle was swift, but intense. Anakin shoved the first two droids through an office wall with a Force push and desk before chasing the last one through the halls of the office building, slashing and parrying his way down three levels until he succeeded in dismembering his foe. Obi-Wan opted for a slightly more delicate approach, trapping his assassins beneath a desk and table before cutting a hole around the entangled droids and watching them fall to the basement.

“Well,” said Anakin rejoining his former master, “I think that went well.”

“DID IT NOW?”

The two Jedi whirled around to find themselves confronted with a familiar looking frown, and half of the Bonadan police force.

Obi-Wan stepped forward. “Mr. Chant, we can really explain the damage-“

“MY CABBAGE CORPORATION!” howled the cabbage merchant, now CEO,”YOU DESTROYED MY CABBAGES!”

“Well technically, we didn’t destroy any physical cabbages this time-“ started Anakin.

“Does it really matter?” wailed the cabbage merchant. “You destroyed my offices! My headquarters!” Turning to the police captain he pointed frantically at the Jedi. “Arrest them! Jail them! Let them never see the light of day again, like an ungrown cabbage!”

The police captain cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Well actually, Mr. Chant, seeing as how they’re Jedi, they have a special status assigned to them-“

“What! So you’re not going to do anything to these murderers?!”

“Um-“

The cabbage merchant huffed and walked up to the Jedi, standing on his tip toes to whisper to them. “That’s it!” he hissed. “As soon as my company gets off the ground, we will ally ourselves with the Separatists! If the Republic’s defenders can’t protect my cabbages maybe they can!”

Obi-Wan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sir, if you really stop to think about it-“

But the cabbage merchant had already stalked off, shooting the police captain a murderous glance as he marched away.

Anakin glanced at Obi-Wan. “So um. Should we be worried?”

Obi-Wan stood silently for a moment before sighing again. “It seems this is one battle we were not destined to win.”He shook his head. “Let’s just go home.”

Anakin followed his master as they walked away from the ruined office building. “So what do you think, Master. Cabbage soup for dinner?”

“ANAKIN.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the story of how Obi-Wan and Anakin pushed the cabbage merchant to the Dark Side. *shrugs* ya win some you lose some. Thanks again for reading <3 please feel free to let me know what you think! I'm also on tumblr! http://someone-hug-obiwan.tumblr.com/


End file.
